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Shin-Ken 1074
23-10-14, 03:57 PM
Business Man in 1st Class, to a stunningly gorgeous air hostess:
Business Man: What is your name?
Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir!
Business Man: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?
Hostess: Yes Sir, very close.
Business Man: How close?



Hostess: Same price.

Gibbo
23-10-14, 05:12 PM
:D:D good stuff

Rusty82
24-10-14, 10:23 AM
She'd wanna drive better for that price:D:D

gs110xsxz
28-10-14, 06:29 PM
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...."Try doing it with the engine running".

Cheers
Max

Toadboy
28-10-14, 07:27 PM
Good one Max :-D

Gibbo
28-10-14, 08:12 PM
“A few months after his parents were divorced,
Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next several months, he saw her doing this often.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning differently. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, and started stroking himself, moaning, "I need a bike! I need a bike!” :D

murf
28-10-14, 09:12 PM
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...."Try doing it with the engine running".

Cheers
Max Yeah but im yet to see a doctor get something going after lets say twenty years LOL Cheers Murf.

gs110xsxz
28-10-14, 09:17 PM
Haha bang on there Murf

melwain
30-10-14, 02:15 AM
A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start eying each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing. He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.
Rear toilet? He suggests. Five minutes, she agrees and goes off. He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. Right, get that condom on, she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.
But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what they are up to, So, she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system. "To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."
And what were you thinking?
I worry about you sometimes!

83KAT
30-10-14, 07:34 AM
Melwain, If it's a flight "outa" South Africa, I can't help but wonder what they were smoking?:-o:-D:cool:

Shin-Ken 1074
30-10-14, 07:51 AM
That's why it's The Mile "HIGH" Club.

Rusty82
30-10-14, 11:07 AM
Melwain, If it's a flight "outa" South Africa, I can't help but wonder what they were smoking?:-o:-D:cool:

+1 on that - Capetown definitely has the 'GOODS'!!!!!

melwain
30-10-14, 06:07 PM
Far out man but I really wouldn't know boys!! :?

Rusty82
30-10-14, 06:26 PM
Yeh neither would I - but for some reason I cant really remember much of Capetown......:D:ugeek:

Shin-Ken 1074
11-11-14, 07:41 AM
A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
He came up to the doorstep of the local knock shop and rings the door bell.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, 'Do any of the girls have a nasty S.T.D.?'
Of course the Madam said 'No'.
The boy said, 'I heard that anyone having sex with Amber gets an S.T.D. - THAT'S the girl I want.'
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with an S.T.D. instead of one of the others?'
He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the S.T.D. that I just caught.
When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the S.T.D.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease,

and HE'S the bastard who ran over my FROG!'

Rusty82
11-11-14, 11:29 AM
never woulda picked that comin - Gold!!

davegw
11-11-14, 09:07 PM
Is this a sick kinda joke or for real?Any bidders?

http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/Future-Rights-to-My-Worn-Out-Uterus-/281491724469?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_15&hash=item418a36d8b5

Shin-Ken 1074
11-11-14, 10:36 PM
Wife texts husband at work on a cold winter's morning;

"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back;

"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later;

"Computer really f*#@*d now."

ThomasJ
12-11-14, 09:43 AM
boy and the frog - brilliant!

murf
13-11-14, 07:26 AM
Oscar Pistorius wanted a new bath room door but Reeva was dead against it. Cheers Murf.

83KAT
14-11-14, 11:13 AM
:)Just something I've learnt over the years,
...Fast and Cheap won't be Reliable...:shock:
...Cheap and Reliable won't be Fast...:sad:
...Fast and Reliable won't be Cheap...:cool:..........cheers Ian.

ThomasJ
14-11-14, 11:15 AM
:)Just something I've learnt over the years,
...Fast and Cheap won't be Reliable...:shock:
...Cheap and Reliable won't be Fast...:sad:
...Fast and Reliable won't be Cheap...:cool:..........cheers Ian.

how true this is!!!!!!!!!!!!

douges
14-11-14, 08:25 PM
boy and the frog - brilliant!

Plus one from me. What great logic.:)

melwain
15-11-14, 02:32 AM
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune the Manager of the Mall sees her and unplugs the horse.

Toadboy
15-11-14, 03:28 AM
:)Just something I've learnt over the years,
...Fast and Cheap won't be Reliable...:shock:
...Cheap and Reliable won't be Fast...:sad:
...Fast and Reliable won't be Cheap...:cool:..........cheers Ian.

There is a T Shirt if ever I saw one.

Good one Ian :lol:

ThomasJ
24-11-14, 01:10 PM
Irish Lubricant


Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.
'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!

'Ain't dat grand, !!'
Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,
'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said,
'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said,
'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said,
'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'

Murphy said to the doctor,
'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

The doctor said,
'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'

Murphy said,
'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,

'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'


She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said,
'I'll tell you, .....it's a freaking' good ting we didn't use WD-40.

murf
24-11-14, 09:41 PM
Shit Im going to stop using INOX then LOL Cheers Murf

odin1
27-11-14, 06:45 AM
2829

This could be me in another week.

odin1
27-11-14, 06:57 AM
Here's evolution. No more hockey cards in the spokes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqpcBpSsj1A

Toadboy
27-11-14, 07:46 AM
If you were around in 1919 and came upon the following poster...



2830


I mean,

seriously,

Wouldn't you just keep drinking

odin1
27-11-14, 08:44 AM
If you were around in 1919 and came upon the following poster...



2830


I mean,

seriously,

Wouldn't you just keep drinking


I think that's why they invented boose. :p

Shin-Ken 1074
30-11-14, 11:46 AM
“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able

to sit down for weeks.”



She nodded.



“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay.

murf
30-11-14, 12:13 PM
2839 Yep three piece would have just been enough Cheers Murf.

odin1
30-11-14, 12:38 PM
2839 Yep three piece would have just been enough Cheers Murf.

I don't think the shocks on my bike could sustain all that weight. lol:p

Shin-Ken 1074
30-11-14, 01:08 PM
The shocks on a 747 couldn't handle that!

83KAT
30-11-14, 01:43 PM
..:eek:If she ever can't find the boy friend.....the first place to look would be "is he stuck in her arse crack!"..:eek:

odin1
01-12-14, 11:19 AM
Idiot driver

http://jalopnik.com/watch-an-idiot-driver-crash-trying-to-pass-motorcycles-471277867

nige501
01-12-14, 02:11 PM
thumbs up to that one.I like how no one stopped for the turkey. Dickhead.

Nige

Shin-Ken 1074
04-12-14, 12:53 PM
Each Friday night after work, Ole would fire up

his barbeque on the shore of Arthurs Lake and

cook a venison steak.

All of Ole's neighbours were Catholic... and

since it was Lent, they were forbidden from

eating meat on a Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison

steaks wafted over the neighbourhood and

was causing such a problem for the Catholic

faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Ole, and suggested

that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Ole

attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled

holy water over him, he said, "You were born

a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran but now you

are a Catholic."

Ole's neighbours were relieved, until Friday

night arrived and the wonderful aroma of

grilled venison filled the neighbourhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the

neighbours and he rushed over to Ole's place

clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him,

he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy

water which he carefully sprinkled over the

grilling meat and chanted:

"You vuz born a deer, you vuz raised a deer,

but now you is a rainbow trout."

83KAT
04-12-14, 01:01 PM
...:cool:Makes as much sense as the rest of their claptrap....:rolleyes:

odin1
08-12-14, 03:12 AM
Found an original ad for WD40.
2850

murf
08-12-14, 06:56 AM
Just what I need Cheers Murf.

Nick Kakasiouris
08-12-14, 10:31 PM
Me too Murf

maccab36
08-12-14, 11:15 PM
I'm thinking I might get me some too :)

83KAT
10-12-14, 01:24 PM
......:o....." One of the most expensive things you will ever buy is a cheap Ducati "......Steve Craven...:-o

douges
12-12-14, 08:07 PM
Think I might buy my step son's a can each for Xmas.:eek:

melwain
13-12-14, 03:45 AM
A fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife: "We have a wonderful new system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings - we slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings - we jump on the fire truck and we're ready to go. From now on, when I say 'Bell 1' I want you to strip naked. When I say ‘Bell 2' you jump onto the bed. When I say 'Bell 3' we’ll make love all though the night". The next night he came home and shouted "Bell 1" and she stripped naked. "Bell 2" and she jumped onto the bed. "Bell 3" and they started to make love. After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell 4". "What the hell is 'Bell 4'?" he asked. She replied "Roll out more hose, you’re nowhere near the fire!"

Admin
15-12-14, 05:30 PM
A fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife: "We have a wonderful new system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings - we slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings - we jump on the fire truck and we're ready to go. From now on, when I say 'Bell 1' I want you to strip naked. When I say ‘Bell 2' you jump onto the bed. When I say 'Bell 3' we’ll make love all though the night". The next night he came home and shouted "Bell 1" and she stripped naked. "Bell 2" and she jumped onto the bed. "Bell 3" and they started to make love. After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell 4". "What the hell is 'Bell 4'?" he asked. She replied "Roll out more hose, you’re nowhere near the fire!"
Excellent!

"Bell 5!" ... You're in the wrong house!!

odin1
16-12-14, 06:54 AM
A woman goes to the hospital.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong; I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."
The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas"

murf
16-12-14, 07:20 AM
What ever floats your boat i guess LOL Cheers Murf.

ozman
16-12-14, 11:41 AM
Irish Divorce







The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law
Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

“What happened?? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my
wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get
home .... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean,
naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!

This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving
forever!"

“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There
is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing!
There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and
find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

“Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation ... she never
got your e-mail!"

murf
16-12-14, 10:55 PM
The
Irish Blonde
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland,
arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated
and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the
dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind,
but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down,
rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come
on, baby. Mama needs new clothes
As the dice came to a stop, she
jumped up and down and
squealed.
Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"
She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her
winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other
dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she
roll?" The other answered, "I don't know
-- I thought you were watching."
MORAL
OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks. Not
all blondes are dumb.
But all men -- are men! Cheers Murf

odin1
16-12-14, 11:22 PM
A woman picks up a guy at a bar and takes him back to her place.

They start to get busy and he goes down on her.

After a couple minutes he feels a piece of rice in his mouth but in his horny state just decides to spit it out and continue.

A few minutes later he feels a pea in his mouth but once again decides to spit it out and go back to work.

Not two minutes later he feels a chunk of beef in his mouth and this time he gets up a little concerned and asks the lady what's the matter with you are you sick or something?

The lady looks at him and says no, but the last guy was. :o

Rusty82
17-12-14, 11:21 AM
Holy crap Odin - would not have ever picked that comin!!! Damn.......

Toadboy
17-12-14, 10:34 PM
Holy crap Odin - would not have ever picked that comin!!! Damn.......

arrrrrr, hahahaha. Good one, I think, Odin.

ThomasJ
17-12-14, 10:44 PM
arrrrrr, hahahaha. Good one, I think, Odin.

Yuk!!!!!!!!!!!!!

odin1
17-12-14, 10:52 PM
Yuk!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't make em up, I just regurgitate them. :lol:

melwain
18-12-14, 12:32 AM
Well I, for one, am glad you brought that up!!! :o

Rusty82
18-12-14, 11:17 AM
Ha ha ha ya all a bunch of bloody funny c#$ts!!!

murf
18-12-14, 11:13 PM
Macho man married good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
When I want with my old buddies, and don't you
Give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'

His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
That reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
That reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
Good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and
Decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'

'In bed this early, doing what?'

'Getting a second opinion!'

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
Wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
Shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
*****************************************
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
And were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
To wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
Of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
Was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
Noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. Cheers Murf

gs110xsxz
19-12-14, 10:07 PM
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, esp ecially Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.
The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel.

odin1
20-12-14, 09:00 AM
This boy asks his dad, what's the difference between potential and realistic...

Dad says to the boy, go ask your family if they would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

He asks his mom first. She says well yeah. With a million dollars I could send you, your brother and sister to great colleges. So yes I would.

Then next he asks his sister. She says hell yeah! He's the hottest guy in Hollywood of course I would.

Then next he asks his brother. His brother thinks hard but then says yeah. A million dollars is a lot of money I'd do it...

The boy goes back to dad excited to tell him the answers. When he does, dad says, See son. Potentially we have 3 million dollars. Realistically we have two sluts and a queer.

murf
30-12-14, 05:14 PM
2895 Cheers Murf

83KAT
12-01-15, 08:06 AM
....What is the difference between "INLAWS" and "OUTLAWS".......OUTLAWS are wanted!..

melwain
13-01-15, 06:45 PM
As an aeroplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces: "if I am going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman" She takes off her clothes and asks: "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says: "Here, iron this!"

melwain
15-01-15, 07:15 AM
Touching Story:
A small boy named Hameed lived in a village in Morocco. None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Hameed!!!!!"

One day Hameed's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful......
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Hameed, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover!!!!!

…don't tell me you thought that Hameed became a f...... doctor !?!

odin1
24-01-15, 08:09 AM
This guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open-mouthed and listens to the tirade.

"My bloody hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the dishes aren't done.
Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married...."

;)

83KAT
24-01-15, 04:32 PM
......if you can walk away from your bike without turning to admire it.......you have the wrong bike.....

ThomasJ
24-01-15, 09:25 PM
......if you can walk away from your bike without turning to admire it.......you have the wrong bike.....

how true that is!!!!!!!!!!!

murf
26-01-15, 08:30 PM
One for Australia Day https://www.youtube.com/watch?x-yt-cl=84503534&v=45zyxd-xEqQ&x-yt-ts=1421914688 Cheers Murf.

83KAT
27-01-15, 10:52 AM
...The early bird gets the worm.....but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese!....

murf
27-01-15, 06:50 PM
Ahh grass hopper i like your wisdom Cheers Murf.

murf
27-01-15, 06:51 PM
Same as a gang bang i guess Cheers Murf.

Shin-Ken 1074
29-01-15, 09:30 AM
A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.



I find that giving her a massage and licking her nipples usually does the trick.

Rusty82
29-01-15, 12:50 PM
Heh Heh Heh!!!

Toadboy
29-01-15, 12:54 PM
A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.



I find that giving her a massage and licking her nipples usually does the trick.

Knew that was coming :D

murf
29-01-15, 09:54 PM
This just about sums us up.
This is very funny
Subject: FW: The Wide Brown Land
A witty, fairly accurate and strangely informative essay about Australia.
AUSTRALIA AND AUSTRALIANS
The following is by Douglas Adams of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the
Galaxy" fame.
"Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of
the bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because
of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an
enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs
which plunge into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is
simply an accident of geomorphology, but they still call it the "Great
Australian Bight", proving that not only are they covering up a more
frightening theory but they can't spell either.
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the
place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as
continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three.
Typically, it is unique in this.
The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be
divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true
that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9
of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most
poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are few
snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all.
But even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be
careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet
seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is
very useful for this task.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.
A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived
in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of
them died. The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of
nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They
settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange
stories.
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.
More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged
people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing
to take account of the reversal of the seasons), ate all their food,
and a lot of them died.
About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It
is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider
themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since
they can lie, cheat, steal and litigate (marks of a civilized culture
they say), whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being
left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on 'extended
holiday' and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep,
caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet,
where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves
to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the
necessity of checking inside their boots every morning for fatal
surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in
the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.
There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply
the nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing
into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish,
stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be
a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill
just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset
is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would
expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly,
cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger.
Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile
disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been
performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass
is greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly
proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence.
They call the land "Oz" or "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's
Own Country"). THE IRRITATING THING ABOUT THIS IS THEY MAY BE RIGHT.
TIPS TO SURVIVING AUSTRALIA
Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER.
The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you
think it is.
Always carry a stick.
Air-conditioning is imperative.
Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained
linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.
Wear thick socks.
Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are
people nearby
If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you
at all times, or you will die. And don't forget a stick.
Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is
always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
HOW TO IDENTIFY AUSTRALIANS
They waddle when they walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount
vouchers stuffed in their wallet or purse.
They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large
fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
They think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place,
that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga", but "Woy Woy" can't
be called "Woy".
Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently it's a must-have.
They don't think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot to
handle.
They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.
And they all carry a stick!
Cheers Murf.

Shin-Ken 1074
29-01-15, 10:30 PM
Douglas Adams was a fun bloke, so long and thanks for the fish.

Toadboy
30-01-15, 06:47 AM
Can still recite Prosteknic Vogon Gelts's poem word for word after 35years....it'll come in handy one day, won't it ???

Off to find a good stick. :)

Rusty82
30-01-15, 04:35 PM
Dont STICK ya hand down a hole to find it.

Hey and guess what I'm off to watch a SUNSET, yes that's right, a SUNSET over the ocean. To bloody early to watch a sunrise I say - plus ya should always have a beer and a fishing STICK....(thats what he meant by STICK wasnt it????)

Cheers
Rusty

darkside
30-01-15, 06:01 PM
the town of "Didyabringabeeralong" in the continent of fourecks

83KAT
31-01-15, 04:32 PM
....It has been written that "Happiness is a warm puppy!"............I think it is a "HOT KAT"

Shin-Ken 1074
31-01-15, 07:34 PM
....It has been written that "Happiness is a warm puppy!"............I think it is a "HOT KAT"

"Warm puppy", I don't think that's right shouldn't it be spelt "pussy"?

83KAT
01-02-15, 10:05 PM
....."Some people feel the rain"....."others just get wet!"

Rusty82
04-02-15, 02:00 PM
Bit stupid but the bit at the end sums up Mr Abbott.....

A high school teacher was arrested today at Sydney's Kingsford-Smith
International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a
calculator.

At the press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man
is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the AFP with
carrying weapons of maths instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They
derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on
tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names
like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns;" but we have
determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of
medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher
Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Tony Abbot said,
"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He
would have given us more fingers and toes."

Fellow Liberal colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more
intelligent or profound statement by the Prime Minister.

murf
06-02-15, 08:21 PM
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
The one who can eat the last doughnut.. Cheers Murf. Well don't look at me i cant carry cups.

83KAT
08-02-15, 03:05 PM
...four SUZUKI KATANA AUSTRALIA members are riding down a street in Noosa, they turn a corner and see a sign that reads..."Old Timers Bar"-all drinks 10 cents. They look at each other, park there KATANA's and go in, thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "come on in let me pour one for you"! What'll it be Gentlemen? There seemed to be a fully stocked bar , so each of the men ask for a martinis...shaken not stirred and says "That'll be 10cents each please" The four men stare at the bartender. Then look at each other....they can't believe there good luck. They pay the 40cents , finish their martinis , and order another round. Again four excellent martinis are produced and the bartender again saying "that's 40cents please". They pay the 40cents ...but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have had two martinis each and spent less than a dollar each. Finally one of the group says "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for 10cents each? "I 'm a retired tailor from Sydney" the bartender said and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I won the lotto for 25million and decided to open this place. Every drink cost 10cents - wine, liquor, beer it's all the same. WOW!!! That's quite a story says on of the group. The four men sipped on their Martinis and couldn't help notice a group of seven at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One SKA member gestures to the other group at the end of the bar who don't have drinks in front of them and asks the bartender.."What's with them?...The bartender says....
"OH , THERE ALL MEMBERS OF THE ULYSSES... waiting for happy hour when the drinks are half price!

Batskat
08-02-15, 03:39 PM
A old solider goes for a job at the council
Lady sitting behind counter
Lady : are you alergric to anything
Solider : yes caffeine
Lady writes that down
Lady: have you got any disabilities
Solider: yes while I was in Iraq I stepped on a land mine and bluw my balls off
Lady with a smile writes it down
Lady : ok you have the job ,hours are 8am to 4 pm but you can start at 10am
Solider: 8 to 4 but I can start at 10 I don't understand?
Lady : well council workers stand around for the first 2 hours drinking coffee and scratching there balls

Enjoy
Cheers Geoff

Batskat
08-02-15, 03:54 PM
Japanese fella comes to Australia and opens a dry cleaning shop
His name is HALF IN working for about 6 months and thinks to himself I need a break,
I will get my brother out to help
His name is HALF OUT so they are working for another 12 months and half out says we need a break,
So half out says how about we get our cousin HALF UP and half up becomes secterary of the company and half in and half out say we are going on a break and half up says go for it
Monday phone ring
Customer : is half in in
Reply no half in is out
Customer is half out in
Reply : no half out is out too
Customer: well who am I speaking to
Reply : I am half up the secterary
Customer: I ring you back when your not busy
Enjoy
Cheers Geoff

Rusty82
10-02-15, 11:51 AM
Classic - Cheers for those!!!!

Shin-Ken 1074
12-02-15, 03:54 PM
A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Shin-Ken 1074
12-02-15, 05:29 PM
Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Boags, Heineken, Crown Larger, & Hahn Premium. Men may state their preferences, but will have whatever is on offer.

murf
12-02-15, 10:22 PM
During a lady's medical examination, the British doctor says, "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
With that, the lady starts taking off her undies, but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! .... Just stick out your tongue!" Cheers Murf.

Shin-Ken 1074
18-02-15, 09:52 PM
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.



The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"


The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".


He began his series of questions:


Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"


Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me."


Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"


Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."


Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"



Aircraft: The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.

murf
18-02-15, 10:42 PM
3210 Cheers Murf

Shin-Ken 1074
24-02-15, 07:49 PM
WHY SENIORS STILL NEED NEWSPAPERS

I was visiting my son last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century" he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here… use my iPod."


I can tell you this….. that f*cking fly never knew what hit him..

odin1
25-02-15, 06:13 AM
The meanings of "complete" and "finished"

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
So when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!

83KAT
25-02-15, 07:30 AM
..I've always got em mixed up....

Shin-Ken 1074
27-02-15, 05:38 PM
SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....

It takes less than 15 seconds.

If you are over 45 years old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test.

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K

3. P_N_S

4. PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S

Answers: 1. RANDOM 2. FORK 3. PANTS 4. PULSE 5. SIX 6. BOOKS
You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

You do NOT have Alzheimer's, You're a Pervert...

nige501
27-02-15, 06:44 PM
Guilty

Nige

Shin-Ken 1074
27-02-15, 06:59 PM
That's why we are here Nige.

ThomasJ
27-02-15, 09:16 PM
guilty

nige

-- ditto --

murf
28-02-15, 12:06 AM
A Kiwi Muslim was caught having sex with a sheep today.
He said it was islamb and he could do what he wanted with it. Cheers Murf

gs110xsxz
01-03-15, 01:18 AM
9+
Anthony Horder
1 hr ·
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent

of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

"MEN NEVER LISTEN"

murf
02-03-15, 12:12 AM
RzjeAaLbM5k
Great for KAT porn or so they tell me Cheers Murf.

Shin-Ken 1074
03-03-15, 08:42 AM
Have you ever noticed that most Wives have very selective senses.
They can hear you open a pack of Tim-tams from the other side of the house or smell the "stench" of that one Beer you had at lunch some five hours earlier, but are some how incapable of detecting the sound of one of your friends ringing the doorbell or the smell of a burning clutch...
You've got to love them.

Nick Kakasiouris
03-03-15, 09:11 AM
Have you ever noticed that most Wives have very selective senses.
They can hear you open a pack of Tim-tams from the other side of the house or smell the "stench" of that one Beer you had at lunch some five hours earlier, but are some how incapable of detecting the sound of one of your friends ringing the doorbell or the smell of a burning clutch...
You've got to love them.

HMMMMMMM, Tim-Tams

murf
03-03-15, 09:51 PM
HMMMMMMMM Not So Burning Clutch Cheers Murf

melwain
03-03-15, 11:08 PM
3312

Nothing like a good cuppa to get you going!!

melwain
03-03-15, 11:10 PM
3313

A good cuppa tea to get you going!!

nige501
04-03-15, 06:51 AM
Yes drinking "THAT" tea tends to make you do things twice.

Nige

murf
04-03-15, 07:50 AM
3316 Cheers Murf

Rusty82
04-03-15, 11:19 AM
Too bloody right!!!

melwain
04-03-15, 06:22 PM
Especially for Glen

Shin-Ken 1074
04-03-15, 06:52 PM
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Thanks Mel, hhhhhmmmmmmmmmm 21 and she does make it bigger!

Cheers.

83KAT
07-03-15, 04:57 PM
......"Without my bikes my shed would be clean....my wallet would be full...but my heart would be empty..."

Tomcat
07-03-15, 05:01 PM
Got to love the KFM boots!

ThomasJ
07-03-15, 07:01 PM
......"Without my bikes my shed would be clean....my wallet would be full...but my heart would be empty..."

that is the truth!!!!!!!!!!!!!

murf
15-03-15, 12:50 PM
I was eating my Chinese last night and it made me think! There`s thousands of Chinese restaurants and take a ways all over this country which means there are loads of Chinese people!
But how many Chinese funerals have you seen?
I've never seen one!
So what are they doing with them?
Then looking at my sweet and sour chicken balls I`m thinking .....chickens don`t have balls that fuckin big!:( Cheers Murf

Boogieman
15-03-15, 01:25 PM
Not a joke but good for a laugh.
This was the Christmas #1 song in Ireland a few years ago.

https://youtu.be/ljPFZrRD3J8

Boogieman
15-03-15, 01:50 PM
joke.
The Department of Veteran Affairs has come up with a plan to get rid of the military pension and decided they must pay out the existing pensions in order to start again.

Their plan is to allow each veteran to choose two points on their body. A doctor will then take a measurement and they will be paid $1000 for every centimetre between the two points.

The first veteran stood up as straight as possible and said "measure from my feet to the top of my head". The doctor did and said "184cm, $184000". The veteran left happy.

The second was a little smarter, he stretched out his left arm and right leg and said "measure from the tip of my finger to the tip of my toe". The doctor took the measurement and said "245cm, $245000". The veteran left really happy.

The third veteran came in understanding the deal. He said. "Please measure from the tip of my penis to my balls".
The doctor looked puzzled and said "you do realise even the luckiest of men will only get about $20000 for that"?
The veteran said "if it's up to me then that is what I want"
"It's your call mate, drop your strides" said the doc
The veteran did. The Doc looked shocked and said "where are your balls"?

The veteran replied "Afghanistan"

ozman
15-03-15, 02:29 PM
> Queenslanders can be so polite!
> Cairns Tower : "Saudi Air 511 - You are cleared to land on runway 9R."
> Saudi Air
> : "Thank you Cairns . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R -
> Allah be Praised."
> Cairns Tower
> : " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."
> Iran Air
> : "Thank you Cairns . We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. -
> Allah is Great."
> PAUSE....
> Saudi Air
> : " CAIRNS TOWER - CAIRNS TOWER !"
> Cairns Tower
> : "Go ahead Saudi Air 511..."
> Saudi Air
> : "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR
> THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE
> ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . ... .. .. .. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"
> Cairns Tower : "Well bless your hearts, and praise Jesus.
> Proceed to your destination and tell Allah we said hi.

odin1
18-03-15, 02:09 PM
Happy St Patricks boys! Enjoy. :p

http://www.reshareworthy.com/border-collie-herd-st-patricks-day/

83KAT
18-03-15, 02:33 PM
...AND ""BUS DRIVER Appreciation Day ""

murf
18-03-15, 07:10 PM
FOOK OFF or Ill blow your family up jeez bus drivers day LOL Cheers Murf

murf
26-03-15, 01:10 PM
THINGS THAT ARE HARD TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY HARD TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti- constitutionalist
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiation
THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No I don't want to see your fanny.
5. No my cocks fine as it is I don't want you to suck it. 
6. No please don't sit on my face I've got asthma. Cheers Murf.

83KAT
05-04-15, 12:47 PM
..I've come home from being out on a ride with the boys today.
My wife had left a note on the refrigerator,
"IT'S NOT WORKING I can't take it any more! Gone to stay with the girls"
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.
What in the hell is she talking about?...:confused:

Tomcat
05-04-15, 02:57 PM
Maybe it was just a temporary blackout :D

Nick Kakasiouris
06-04-15, 07:19 PM
Party Time!!!:D

odin1
16-04-15, 10:14 AM
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport bound for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him..
"Hello," he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said.. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

83KAT
16-04-15, 12:58 PM
....That's pretty funny "TONTO from Toronto" cheers Paddy..:wink:

odin1
17-04-15, 02:08 PM
Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they strike up
a conversation.

The black Lab turns to the chocolate Lab and says, "So why are you here?"

The Chocolate Lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything.. ...the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids But the final straw was last night
when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," comes the reply from the chocolate Lab. "They
reckon it'll calm me down."

The black Lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"

The yellow Lab says, "I'm a digger I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners
couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquires.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too, the dejected yellow Lab says.

The yellow Lab then turns to the black Lab and asks, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black Lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat,
a pillow, the table, whatever.

I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the
shower and was bending down to dry her toes. I just couldn't help myself. I
hopped on her back and started hammering away"

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchange a sad glance and says, "So, nuts off
for you too, huh?"

The black Lab says ...."No, I'm here to get my nails clipped. . .

nige501
17-04-15, 05:20 PM
Hahhhaaaaaaaa.

Nige

Toadboy
17-04-15, 07:18 PM
Didn't see that coming :)

murf
17-04-15, 10:24 PM
Anti-car-jacking device.
One size fits all and you can move this device from one
vehicle to another on a moment’s notice ! And it keeps
getting better !
You can have this state of the art anti-car-jacking device
for not $99.95, not $79.95, not even $29.95.
This new device is being offered for the first time free of
charge to the first person who responds !
So don't miss this chance in a life time offer, scroll down
to claim your new Anti-Carjacking device before supplies
run out !
There aren't many to go around..
It's incredible but true ! No one has ever stolen a vehicle equipped with one !
I’ve ordered you one. It should arrive Monday !!
3537

ozman
18-04-15, 07:46 PM
Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . . in and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end . . . . !!
He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . . Forwards then backwards . . . .
Forward then backward . . . .
Again . . . . and, again . . . . !!
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . . she let out a piercing scream . . . .
She shouted . . . .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park . . . .
You do it . . . . !!"
________________

Tomcat
18-04-15, 08:37 PM
Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . . in and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end . . . . !!
He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . . Forwards then backwards . . . .
Forward then backward . . . .
Again . . . . and, again . . . . !!
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . . she let out a piercing scream . . . .
She shouted . . . .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park . . . .
You do it . . . . !!"
________________

;) yes, can't parallel park,

But turns on the light, and opens the garage ready for you to drive straight in!

melwain
19-04-15, 11:13 PM
"Some years ago, nearing dinner time at the White House, our regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice.
He wasn't the smartest looking guy, in fact he seemed a bit dirty.

The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.
Just before the meal, Bill noticed the cook sticking his finger in ​the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was assured that many chefs did that.
Dinner went okay, although Bill thought that the soup tasted a little funny.

By the time dessert came, he started to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself.
By now, he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.
As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized, too late, that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.

He collapsed, and as he was about to pass out, this naive girl bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice:
‘Sack my cook’.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the whole misunderstanding occurred."

melwain
26-04-15, 11:25 PM
This is good for a laugh or two!!

3577

83KAT
10-05-15, 04:45 PM
..Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy...

murf
11-05-15, 01:43 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kj_F9yRpx_M&feature=player_embedded#at=51 If R E M ever need a new leed singer this bloke is available Cheers Murf.

83KAT
11-05-15, 08:20 AM
..That's funny as F#CK , he's missed his calling...

ThomasJ
13-05-15, 04:59 PM
Phil's Scrotum

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

murf
13-05-15, 10:48 PM
Harley Recall
MILWAUKEE, Wisconson–Harley Davidson CEO Keith Wandell announced today that the popular American motorcycle manufacturer has issued a nationwide recall of nearly a million riders of its popular motorcycles. Wandell said the recall was issued “due to the alarming increase in the quality of consumer purchasing the Harley Davidson brand.” Wandell promised that all riders recalled from their motorcycles would be provided a line of credit at their local Honda dealers along with DVD copies of the 2004 Ice Cube/Dane Cook film, Torque.
Harley Davidson released a statement explaining the reasons for the recall, which will affect numerous white-collar Harley riders with a focus on those in the medical and legal fields, as well as hundreds of thousands of bankers and financial advisers. The recall will also affect anyone who attempts to ride a Harley Davidson while wearing a helmet, without facial hair, or enjoys regular bathing.
“Harley Davidson deeply regrets any inconvenience unworthy riders may face as a result of this recall, but we feel it is necessary to ensure that real Harley Davidson fans can continue to enjoy the sense of superiority they have felt for more than a century,” the statement read, “And we want to make certain that true Harley enthusiasts will continue to purchase our over-priced and under-performing motorcycles the way they always have: by stealing, dealing drugs, and through the occasional contract murder.”

gs110xsxz
15-05-15, 03:57 PM
BLACK BRA Size 38
The Business Deal
A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38.
The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman,
Says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers.
Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.
The Chinese guy buys 25 bras
He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.
The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.
The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.
The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "Please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"
The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for $200.00 each."

Rusty82
15-05-15, 05:52 PM
Love it Murf - bloody classic!

Rusty82
15-05-15, 05:55 PM
Damn that one might be even better - not to mention the truth!!!!!!!

odin1
19-05-15, 08:35 PM
May 18 at 11:17 AM

Sometimes being retired is not very exciting. However, you can make things more interesting on garbage day!

3694




Then watch through the window.

Toadboy
20-05-15, 02:30 PM
Harley Recall - Noooooooooooooooooooo, say it ain't so, I know, I'll give up regular bathing...:)

Thats a classic odin, still laughing :D

murf
21-05-15, 12:15 AM
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works great! Cheers Murf.

ThomasJ
22-05-15, 09:12 PM
3706
Size matters..... when it comes to a glass of red!

murf
27-05-15, 01:03 AM
3721 Cheers Murf.

melwain
01-06-15, 11:18 PM
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.



When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."


But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.


Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.


From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.


Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.


Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.


The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"


"Vell," said Klaas Biermann, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!

83KAT
02-06-15, 01:57 PM
.....how do you sell a deaf man a duck?.....:?..."DO YOU WANT TO BUY A DUCK?"...:rolleyes:

Boogieman
02-06-15, 07:56 PM
A man walks up to a gorgeous lady in a swanky club and says "would you sleep with me for one million dollars."
"Yes" she replied.
"How about $300"?
"Do I look like a hooker"?
"We've already established that, I'm just haggling now" he replied.

murf
14-06-15, 01:36 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2AkoHH7gxlA Have a go at this bloke Cheers Murf LOL.

odin1
14-06-15, 10:26 AM
Good one Murf. :)

Here's one that made me laugh hard. :p Don't do this at home. :eek:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wlVrnF_Uws

murf
14-06-15, 10:53 AM
Umm what can I say I no what a DICK Cheers Murf.

odin1
20-06-15, 02:58 AM
Subject: Be More Tolerant




Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario, says:

"I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto.

I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant, regardless of their religious beliefs.
Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance."

“That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque;
thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.

We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy",
and the other, a topless bar, would be called "You Mecca Me Hot."

“Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that,
an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq of Ribs."

“Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret " with sexy mannequins
in the window modeling the goods”, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered ”.

“All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us.”

“Yes we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on."

“And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point...
It is either past your bedtime, or it's midnight at the oasis….and time to take your camel to bed…..”






:p

83KAT
20-06-15, 10:20 AM
..A truly valid argument...it's always the noisy minority that effects the lives of the silent majority ....just like the tail wagging the dog!

clarkie383
20-06-15, 05:05 PM
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant.
She is furious! Here she is about to run for President and this has happened to her. ​


She calls Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen?
With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you???!!!
I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! YOUR FAULT!!!
Well, what have you got to say???"

There is nothing but dead silence on the end of the phone.

She screams again, "DID YOU HEAR ME???!!!"

Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"

clarkie383
20-06-15, 05:05 PM
What's the worst thing about getting your keys locked in your car outside an abortion clinic?



Having to go in to ask for a coat hanger....

Tomcat
20-06-15, 07:36 PM
Liked the first one Clarkie, but haven't had enough to drink for the second to be funny!

murf
24-06-15, 10:40 PM
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night...
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late"
The officer, " Oh really........ and Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The Man, "That would be my wife" Cheers Murf

Rusty82
25-06-15, 11:41 AM
Nice one!!!!!!!!!!

murf
27-06-15, 06:48 PM
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm the other night, but, she spat it back at me Cheers Murf.

melwain
29-06-15, 12:41 AM
Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by the pilots (marked with a 'P') and the solutions recorded (marked by an 'S') by maintenance engineers, who by the way have a sense of humour:

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Left inside main tyre almost replaced.

P: Test flight OK, auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order.

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Can't reproduce problem on the ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspect crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed in cockpit.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

83KAT
29-06-15, 11:04 AM
...Another old chestnut....P..Cockpit filthy....not fit for pigs!
....................................S..Cockfit cleaned..now fit for pigs!:-D

odin1
29-06-15, 02:19 PM
DIVORCE SETTLEMENT





On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates
and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background
music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle
of spring-water.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a
few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the
curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at
first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a
few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool
carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they
had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in
half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow
a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-husband called the woman and asked how things were going. She told
him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that
he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his
divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed
on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ...
but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed
paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched
the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ... and
just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU...?

murf
29-06-15, 07:28 PM
Their is only two things that smell like fish and one of them is fish Cheers Murf.

odin1
01-07-15, 11:58 AM
A man walks into a bar and notices two fat women.

They had obviously been drinking a lot, and were speaking loudly with heavy accents.

After an hour he becomes annoyed with the noise, walks over to them and asks,

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you two ladies from Scotland?"

"Wales, you idiot!", shouts the fattest one.

"I'm sorry," he says.
"Are you two whales from Scotland?"

:p

odin1
01-07-15, 12:31 PM
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents
decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says,
'Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona .' The
bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world,
give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The bartender gives him
one..

The guy from Coors says, 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky
Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.' He gets it.

The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, 'Give me a Coke.' The
bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, 'Why aren't you
drinking a Molson's?'

The Molson Canadian president replies, 'Well, I figured if you guys
aren't drinking beer, neither would I.

:cool:

Rusty82
01-07-15, 04:20 PM
They both Gold - pissed meself!!!!

Toadboy
03-07-15, 12:11 AM
Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness. He was in the hospital, in agonising pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his nose, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, a nurse hovering over him.
He realised he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"

murf
12-07-15, 12:41 PM
A starving asylum seeker is greeted at Sydney by a good fairy who grants him 3 wishes. The asylum seeker says i'm hungry. (POW) a huge banquet appears! He then says now I want a nice house. (POW) a big mansion with a swimming pool appears. He then says I want to be an Aussie. (POW) everything vanishes! He asks where has everything gone? the fairy says you're an Aussie now mate, you're Entitled to fuck all. Cheers Murf

nige501
12-07-15, 01:43 PM
Hahhaaa sad but true Murf.

Nige

douges
12-07-15, 07:16 PM
Well said Murf. Very diplomatic.

83KAT
24-07-15, 02:22 PM
..:):).." Why is it ? ..A dagwood dog is never as good as you think it will be..:confused:

gs110xsxz
24-07-15, 07:36 PM
Going to Heaven.................
A lady dies and goes to heaven.
She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter.
There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him.
Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream! "What was that?" she asks.
"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo.
A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before.
"What was that?!" she asked anxiously.
"Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly,
"It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings."
The lady starts to back away. "Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter.
"I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the lady.
"But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!"
"It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the fucking holes for that!!!"

murf
25-07-15, 12:04 AM
LOL Cheers Murf

Tomcat
25-07-15, 02:45 AM
..:):).." Why is it ? ..A dagwood dog is never as good as you think it will be..:confused:

cause they don't make'm or cook'm the same way they did 30 yrs ago.
thirty years ago I doubt anybody had heard of Palm oil. and the health regulations make them change the oil often so you don't get that good, long lasting used oil taste.

same thing with Potato Scallops. loved them as a kid and would eat 1/2 dozen for lunch when you went into town during school, lunch, but now. fuck!!!! they look and taste like frozen/re-heated shit!

Nick Kakasiouris
25-07-15, 08:20 PM
Stuart at School i always ordered Devon sandwiches for lunch and i look back at it now and all i was eating was S**T!!

Tomcat
25-07-15, 09:00 PM
Nah, wasn't "S**T"
That's too expensive to put in Devon paste!

83KAT
04-08-15, 10:52 PM
:)..."ONE MAN'S RUST IS ANOTHER'S PATINA"..:confused:

ThomasJ
10-08-15, 12:45 PM
If you think life is bad......

How would you like to be an egg?
You only get laid once.

You only get eaten once.

It takes four minutes to get hard.

Only two minutes to get soft.

You share your box with 11 other guys

But worst of all..
The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!!!

So cheer up, Your life isn’t that bad!!!!

Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay,
Oops....I mean day!!!!!

murf
14-08-15, 10:46 PM
3981 Cheers Murf.

83KAT
16-08-15, 02:49 PM
...Anybody familiar with my posts would be well aware of my limited computer skills. I hear many of my friends and associates talking about Twitter and Facebook, so I've decided to try and make friends outside of Facebook and Twitter while applying the same principles.
...Every day as I walk down the street I stop passers by and tell them what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I intend to do for the rest of the day.
...I give them photos of Sue and my children, my KATANAs , my old dog and me gardening and on holidays, spending time by the pool.
...I also listen to their conversations and tell them I "like" them and give them my opinion on every subject that interests me....weather it interests them or not!....AND IT WORKS!!
...I already have four people following me, two police officers, a social worker and a Psychiatrist.:)

odin1
21-08-15, 06:59 PM
A foursome of men waited at the men's tee while a foursome of women
was hitting in front of them--taking their time.

When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet.
Then she went over and missed it completely.

Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally
hacked it another five feet.

She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically,
"I guess all those f**king lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responded,
"Well, there you have it.
You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 43.



:(

patrick
21-08-15, 09:00 PM
Camp Fire Talk with An Indian A muslim and a Cowboy. Chief Wherethefuckarewe [prominet indian leader]''there was a time,when my people who were many,we were strong,and we ruled all the lands,But now ,we are few, and we are weak. Ali McWescrewuatthepumps Babar [muslim/scott Oil Tycoon/sneik]'' there was a time, when my people were few, and now we are many, and we are strong,ala la la mohomad la la la''.Dick Bush [Cowboy/VP Gun Association]''Hell,thats because we havn't played Cowboys and muslims yet , YEEEE HAAA'''

83KAT
25-08-15, 12:27 PM
....:confused:..Some people grumble that Roses have thorns.....I am grateful that thorns have Roses..!..:D..;)

melwain
28-08-15, 10:25 PM
Something to remember when you have the fairer sex onboard as a pillion passenger

4036

Toadboy
28-08-15, 10:28 PM
hahahaha, now that tickled my funny bone in a quaint ye olde type way....

good one Mel

murf
29-08-15, 02:28 AM
+ 1 Cheers Murf.

patrick
30-08-15, 12:01 AM
what's the difference between the Koran and a load of shit ? nothing.:evil:

murf
04-09-15, 12:30 AM
KAT drags off a Duke 4043 Cheers Murf.

odin1
04-09-15, 11:02 AM
I was going over some old files and boxes and found this video of me and my very first baby sitter. I think this may explain everything...

https://www.facebook.com/510455345658900/videos/831886166849148/?fref=nf

The Chief
18-09-15, 05:48 AM
Little Johnny ....

One day at school little Johnny's Teacher asks ...
Can anybody give me a sentence using the word contagious ?

A little girl puts up her hand and says ...
My Mum says we can't go play in the rain because you can catch a cold and that could be contagious.

Very good says the Teacher ... Anyone else ?
Another student put up her hand and says ...

My best friend has the measles, and that could become contagious.
Very good says the Teacher ... Anyone else ?

Little Johnny is waving his hand, trying to get the teacher's attention
reluctantly the teacher says, Yes, johnny....

Johnny say's...
We were sitting on our front porch watching our neighbor paint his house with a 1" paint brush
My Dad say's .... It's gonna take that C*nt-ages !!!

melwain
19-09-15, 12:16 AM
I was going over some old files and boxes and found this video of me and my very first baby sitter. I think this may explain everything...

https://www.facebook.com/510455345658900/videos/831886166849148/?fref=nf















Now that is the kind of babysitter I like!!!!

murf
24-09-15, 11:33 PM
A Man's Guide to Women https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKWmFWRVLlU Got it all worked out now I THINK Cheers Murf

83KAT
27-09-15, 05:23 PM
:)..The bride was escorted down the isle and up to the alter.....the best man AND groom are standing there in their new matching Dainese Leathers and colour coordinated Helmets and shiny boots.
:confused:..She asks "What are you doing in your new bike gear?"
:(.He looks her square in the eyes and says.....
;)." This isn't going to take all day , is it?......
.
.
.THE START OF ANOTHER HAPPY MARRIAGE

gs110xsxz
30-09-15, 12:29 AM
A man is stuck in traffic on the Hume Highway at Bass Hill.





He asked a Police officer about the delay, as he is walking from car to car, speaking with each of the drivers.




The Policeman says, “There are three Muslims blocking the traffic and threatening to douse themselves with petrol



and set themselves on fire if we don’t get them airline tickets to the Middle East. So we’re taking up a collection for them.”




The Man replies “How much have you got so far?”




The Policemen responds, “About 60 litres,...... but a lot of people are still siphoning”

murf
15-10-15, 12:53 AM
Murf had been drinking at a local Irish pub in Bathurst all day and most of the night, celebrating the Super Cheap Auto 1000.
Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking any more tonight, Murf’.
Murf replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Murf spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
‘Damn’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘oh bloody damn!’
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the footpath and falls flat on his face.
‘Bi’ Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says.
He can see his camp site just a few streets down, and crawls to the camp site, hauls himself up the tent pole, opens the tent flap and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up at the blow up mattress and says ‘No bloody way....’
He wobbles up to the mattress and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He takes a step into the tent and falls flat on his face. He says ‘damn it’ and falls onto the mattress.
The next morning, his scone burner, Kym, comes into the tent carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Murf. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’
Murf says, ‘I did, Kym. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?’
‘Mick phoned .. . . You left your Pajero and sleeping bag at the pub.’ Thats where my sleeping bag went AHH Just another trip to Bathurst Cheers Murf.

Tomcat
15-10-15, 08:53 PM
Murf,
Glad to see you were responsible and did not drive.

Toadboy
16-10-15, 04:50 AM
lol :D

Nice work murf

clarkie383
17-10-15, 02:57 PM
A young fireman placed a ladder against the bedroom window of a burning house and rushed up. Inside was a curvy brunette in a see-through nightie.
"Aha" said he "You're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!"
"But I'm not pregnant!" the brunette indignantly exclaimed.

"You're not rescued yet either..."

murf
17-10-15, 05:10 PM
4172 Cheers Murf.

melwain
17-10-15, 05:37 PM
1. An Englishman walks into a bar............... the Welshman, Irishman and Scot are still at the rugby world cup.
2. For sale - England rugby world cup team bus - low mileage, only used three times.
3. The difference between a tea bag and the England rugby team - the tea bag stays in the cup longer

Nick Kakasiouris
18-10-15, 08:30 AM
1. An Englishman walks into a bar............... the Welshman, Irishman and Scot are still at the rugby world cup.
2. For sale - England rugby world cup team bus - low mileage, only used three times.
3. The difference between a tea bag and the England rugby team - the tea bag stays in the cup longer

YES i like it, Go the Wallabies:D

gs110xsxz
29-10-15, 10:10 PM
THE RECTUM STRETCHER!

A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked

'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge...' :)

melwain
31-10-15, 02:31 AM
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to
split, fire to lay. It’s practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc.,but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by two city boys who live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move,and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.
We have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from
over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice

83KAT
15-11-15, 12:45 PM
....The teacher asks her 6th grade class how many of them were Bill Shorten fans
Not knowing what a Bill Shorten fan is....but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands...except for Little Johnny
The teacher asks Little Johnny why he has decided to be different, again
Little Johnny said "Because I'm not a Bill Shorten fan"
The teacher asks why aren't you a fan of Bill Shorten?
Johnny says "Because I'm a Liberal"
The teacher asks him why he's a Liberal.
Little Johnny answers "Well my Mum is a Liberal, my Dad is a Liberal, so I'm a Liberal"
Annoyed by his answer , the teacher asks "If your Mum was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?
With a big smile , Little Johnny replied
"That would make me a Bill Shorten fan"

odin1
16-11-15, 12:11 AM
I think little Johnny is smarter that the teacher gives him credit for. :)

patrick
21-11-15, 11:39 PM
Daughter to Father . Dad,there is something my boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand , He said that I have a beautiful chassis , lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper. Fathers responce Tell your Boyfriend that if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick , I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe .:o

Admin
22-11-15, 09:55 AM
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet,
he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad;
they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we
leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.

He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

The Chief
22-11-15, 12:49 PM
Little Johnny's at school and his Teacher asks ....

Can anybody tell me about any pets they have ?
A little girl put up her hand and says.... We've got a snake !!

A snake say's the Teacher ...wow, how did you get that ?
The girl says we were on our property in the country, when we found it and kept it as our pet.

Excellent the teacher says ... anybody else ?
Another student puts up her hand and says ... We've got a baby magpie !!

A baby magpie that's terrific say's the teacher ... tell us, how did you get a maggie ?
The girl replies, we saw it on the ground, it must have fallen out of its nest, so we took it home and kept it !!

Fantastic the teacher says ... anybody else ?

Little Johnny stands up and says ... Well so, so what .... were going to get a hedgehog !!

A hedgehog say's the teacher... mmm interesting... o.k but, what do you mean you're going to get a hedgehog ?
Johnny say's, I heard Mum say to Dad ... If you clean out the gutters I'll give you a Hedge-hog !!

Tomcat
22-11-15, 03:10 PM
Yu
Little Johnny's at school and his Teacher asks ....

Can anybody tell me about any pets they have ?
A little girl put up her hand and says.... We've got a snake !!

A snake say's the Teacher ...wow, how did you get that ?
The girl says we were on our property in the country, when we found it and kept it as our pet.

Excellent the teacher says ... anybody else ?
Another student puts up her hand and says ... We've got a baby magpie !!

A baby magpie that's terrific say's the teacher ... tell us, how did you get a maggie ?
The girl replies, we saw it on the ground, it must have fallen out of its nest, so we took it home and kept it !!

Fantastic the teacher says ... anybody else ?

Little Johnny stands up and says ... Well so, so what .... were going to get a hedgehog !!

A hedgehog say's the teacher... mmm interesting... o.k but, what do you mean you're going to get a hedgehog ?
Johnny say's, I heard Mum say to Dad ... If you clean out the gutters I'll give you a Hedge-hog !!

Little Johnny needs his ears cleaning out!

ThomasJ
23-11-15, 03:24 PM
Blonde phone call!!

4252

BLONDE PHONE CALL!!
"Hi Mom, How are you?"
"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at
Bunning's Hardware"
"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"
"What happened?"
"Oh, I punched this Aboriginal woman in the head."
"What on earth, why did you do that?"
"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."

patrick
09-12-15, 11:48 PM
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night at the Deanmill worker club ..... he hypnotized these 7 real timber workers......then dropped the microphone on his foot and said ...Fuck Me..what happened next will traumatize me for the rest of my life.....:eek:

The Chief
10-12-15, 05:37 AM
Two blondes were talking over coffee when the first blonde says ...

My Husband's got terrible dandruff, it so embarrassing, there's flakes everywhere, on his collar, on the pillow,
every time he brushes his hair or is out when its windy its like a snow storm, I just don't know what to do.

The second blonde says ... just do what i did, give him head&shoulders everyday for two weeks,
That'll clear it right up.

A few weeks go by, and the blondes meet up again for coffee,

The second blonde say's to the first blonde... So, how's your husbands dandruff going ??
Did you give him head&shoulders like i said ?? .....

The first blonde replies back ... How the F*ck do you give shoulders ??

gs110xsxz
20-12-15, 02:09 AM
Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Trump and Cruz sitting over there?' The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'
So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?'
Cruz says, 'We're planning WW III.' The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
Trump says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.'
The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?'
Trump turns to Cruz and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a crap about the 140 million Muslims.’

Que Shinken

Nick Kakasiouris
20-12-15, 07:41 AM
Yep get ready for the BIG ONES:D

patrick
20-12-15, 08:56 PM
another fucking blonde joke4396

clarkie383
23-12-15, 05:45 PM
A couple were in a busy shopping centre just before Christmas. The husband wandered off as she was standing in line, saying something about being back in a little bit.

After getting through the line, the husband wasn't back yet and since they still had more shopping to do, the wife called him on the mobile.

The wife said, "Where are you?"

He said " You remember the Jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I couldn't afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you."

Tears started to flow down her cheeks and she got all choked up. "Yes, yes, I do remember that Jeweler", she replied.

"I'm in the pub next door."

clarkie383
23-12-15, 05:46 PM
The Best Lawyer Story for a long time:














The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.










The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over $2 million, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long and painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the volunteer mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?’

The stricken volunteer begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated volunteer, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.’

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?’

murf
14-01-16, 10:26 PM
Three Nurses working in a morgue discover a Dead Man with a hard on, the 1st Nurse says 'I can't let that go to waste', & rides him. The 2nd Nurse does the same. The 3rd Nurse hesitates & explains she is on her period, but does him anyway. Then the Man sits up & the Nurses apologize saying they thought he was dead. The Man replies 'I was, but after two jump starts & a blood transfusion I feel fuckin great!!!' Cheers Murf

Tomcat
03-02-16, 09:10 PM
4525
well it's not a BETA

Tomcat
10-02-16, 09:02 PM
Lock it into your calander
4548

pkay
11-02-16, 02:55 PM
Steak and BJ day also includes gay men - just for your Glen?

Rusty82
11-02-16, 07:41 PM
Just found this fella on Youtube - Bloody hrs of entertainment!!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3y9dfeUC-qo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FaUkcd18yjE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxaVQbi6m9c

there is millions of this guys vids - farken hillarity!!!

peteGSX
12-02-16, 07:32 AM
Hahahaha that's pure gold!

odin1
12-02-16, 04:05 PM
This is for some of us older riders. :p


4552

ThomasJ
12-02-16, 04:19 PM
This is for some of us older riders. :p


4552

how true that is! I am a life member.

The Chief
12-02-16, 05:03 PM
Exactly ... Although riding the KAT these days for me, maybe "Sons of Agony" would be more appropriate.

The Chief.

melwain
12-02-16, 07:53 PM
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention too:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft, and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to His Celestial supercomputer, typed in some key words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Nick Kakasiouris
12-02-16, 10:19 PM
Exactly ... Although riding the KAT these days for me, maybe "Sons of Agony" would be more appropriate.

The Chief.

Amen Chief

Tomcat
13-02-16, 10:13 PM
Very romantic Melwain,
Just in time for Valentine's Day!

murf
14-02-16, 11:01 PM
85-year-old Biker Bob was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. ’
The next day Bob reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the old biker explained, 'Well you see, doc, it’s like this. “First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my old lady for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Sally, the Gal next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’ The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
Bob replied, 'Yep, none of us could get that damn jar open.’ Cheers Murf

Toadboy
14-02-16, 11:16 PM
Haha haha, didn't see that coming......;)

ThomasJ
15-02-16, 12:53 AM
Brilliant!

murf
15-02-16, 09:33 PM
Not To Be Taken Lightly.....
Now, as if everything else wasn’t bad enough, we find out that beer isn’t good for us? Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:
1) Argued - over nothing;
2) Refused - to apologize when obviously wrong;
3) Gained - weight;
4) Talked - excessively without making sense;
5) Became - overly emotional;
6) Couldn't - drive;
7) Failed - to think rationally;
8) and Had - to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!
Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer.
I rest my case..... Shit if life wasn't bad enough now they take away BEER Jeers Murf.

patrick
15-02-16, 11:36 PM
CHEERS; I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this. "Well you see, Norm, it's like this ..... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first , this natural selection is good for the herd as a whole ,because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members ,in much the same way ,the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cell.Now ,as we know , excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells, but naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first, in this way,regular consumption of beer eliminates the weakest brain cells ,making the brain a faster and more efficient machine , and that ,Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers'.CHEERS:?

odin1
16-02-16, 03:49 PM
CHEERS; I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this. "Well you see, Norm, it's like this ..... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first , this natural selection is good for the herd as a whole ,because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members ,in much the same way ,the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cell.Now ,as we know , excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells, but naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first, in this way,regular consumption of beer eliminates the weakest brain cells ,making the brain a faster and more efficient machine , and that ,Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers'.CHEERS:?


Thanks Cliff. I think? :confused:

clarkie383
18-02-16, 01:28 AM
A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Coolangatta Airport.

The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent . I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on the Gold Coast.
But then he forgets to switch off the intercom, and now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Gold Coast?'
'Well,' says the captain, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap.... Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge boobs out for dinner, I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and root her senseless all night long.'

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.
She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.............He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first....'

83KAT
18-02-16, 02:44 PM
..Marriages come and go but a good divorce lasts forever!..:-D

Nick Kakasiouris
19-02-16, 08:51 AM
..Marriages come and go but a good divorce lasts forever!..:-D

Yep and makes your solicitor a rich man!

ThomasJ
15-03-16, 09:47 AM
And Then:
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
Chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she
Ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."


Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over ......women like that are hard to find."

darkside
21-03-16, 09:36 AM
http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20160320/f899a11302cd67322da5ccaa65d4698c.jpg

ThomasJ
01-04-16, 04:31 PM
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day; he comes across
A Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one,
although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it,
and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple, really,'
says the seller, 'whenever the Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline..

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says,
'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table,
and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified
when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.
'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table,
and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....‘I'll do the f****** dishes’!!!

Rusty82
01-04-16, 05:12 PM
Haaaaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaaa - didnt see that comin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

83KAT
01-04-16, 08:17 PM
:-D....Hay Tom...Sue couldn't stop laughing...